Love in the Dark
by peacerose47
Summary: After experiencing the events of 'Endgame', Kathryn wakes, realizing it was all a horrible nightmare. A nightmare she can prevent from becoming reality, if she has the courage to make an important decision.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know this used to be marked as unfinished, but lbr I'm never going to get around to finishing it and it reads fine as it is, so it's just gonna stay as it is. Enjoy

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She walked away from him. She ordered him to take the helm, and then she walked away.

She was aware of her mind screaming at her to stop, to turn around, to launch herself into his arms and tell him everything she had never admitted even to herself, but she couldn't. She sat down in her chair, once so comforting and familiar, now cold and impersonal. She shut away that part of her mind that allowed her to feel and set about attending to the Starfleet red tape that was now required from her. But even composing what was arguably the strangest report of her career could not keep her from being very aware of him sitting a mere few metres in front of her.

A relief helmsman came to take Tom's usual station and Chakotay stood up to return to his seat beside her. But he did not sit down and lean over to whisper a congratulations or encouragement as she expected. He was intercepted by Seven of Nine, who wrapped her arms about his neck affectionately and leaned forward to murmur into his ear, before capturing his lips in a long, passionate kiss.

Kathryn couldn't tear her eyes away. The moment of truth had come, and she found she wasn't ready for it. Until now she had been able to deny what the Admiral had told her and forget about it, but witnessing the display before her now, she felt her soul being sucked out of her and the life draining from her body. She realized then that no matter how much she had tried to deny it to herself and to everyone else, she had already given him her heart. And now it had been crushed and destroyed by the ex-Borg that she had liberated and mentored. The scorpion had come back to sting her.

She realized suddenly that Seven was staring at her, while still kissing Chakotay deeply. It was a look of triumph, like the cat that had gotten the cream. Seven had gotten exactly what she wanted and wanted Kathryn to know it. With a sudden rage, Kathryn leapt up out of her chair, intending to march over and tear the two apart. But before she could take a step, the assimilation tubules shot out of Seven's hand straight into Chakotay's neck. He groaned in pain before collapsing to the floor, unconscious. His skin began to ripple as Borg implants started sprouting out all over his face.

"You may have gotten your crew home, _Captain_ ," Seven spat at Kathryn's horrified face, "but you have abandoned me. My home is not on Earth, and now I will no longer have a home on Voyager. You have betrayed me and your crew. The former Maquis will likely be incarcerated at best, including your precious Chakotay. Tom and B'Elanna's baby will grow up with her parents in prison, and Icheb and I will be abducted and mutilated by Starfleet Intelligence, all in the name of _science_. Most of your command decisions are questionable at best. Do you really think you will get away without facing punishment for them? And the rest of your crew, just following the orders of their beloved captain – what will happen to them? What have you condemned them to?

"You have betrayed us. You are not fit to call yourself our captain. You have taken away from our lives, so I am taking away from yours."

Kathryn opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She wanted to cry out _"This is madness. You're insane! Stop this!"_ but she couldn't find her voice. Because she knew Seven was right. She turned in desperation to the rest of the Bridge crew for help, but all she found was the horrific sight of a hundred and fifty Borg drones, staring at her out of the eyes of Tuvok and Harry and Tom and B'Elanna and every crewmember that she knew and cared for. Even Naomi Wildman had shiny metallic implants and was glaring at her with a cold hatred she couldn't bear to see.

A sudden white-hot pain in the side of her neck caused her to scream out. Seven stepped away as Kathryn sank slowly to the floor of her Bridge, feeling nanoprobes rippling through her veins and bursting through her skin with a spurt of blood as implant after implant sprouted out in waves of pain. Through a haze of red she could see Chakotay lying on the floor in the centre of the Bridge, covered in implants and surrounded by a pool of his own blood. She didn't need to touch him to know he was already dead.

" _You have betrayed us,"_ Seven's words echoed through her mind, accompanied by the many voices of the Borg Collective. _"You have betrayed us and you must pay the price."_

Blood oozed out of every pore in her body as implants continued to emerge. The pain was unbearable and she felt consciousness slipping away from her. In a final wave of pain and terror, she gasped in enough breath for one last blood-curdling scream.


	2. Chapter 2

The time was now 0835. The Captain was 35 minutes late for Alpha Shift. This was such a rare occurrence that the entire Bridge crew was on edge, wondering what was wrong to cause this to happen. She was occasionally five or even ten minutes late, but a whole half-hour?

Chakotay pursed his lips as he checked the chronometer again. This was not like Kathryn. He had already given her more leeway than any other crewmember would have gotten. The air of tension on the Bridge changed to a hum of expectancy as he stood up.

"I'm going to find the Captain. Tuvok you have the Bridge."

"Maybe now I'll get a little slack when _I_ show up late," Tom commented from the helm.

"Doubtful, Mr Paris, since the Captain has never reported for duty hungover," Tuvok replied.

"That was one time!" Chakotay heard Tom's protest just before the turbolift doors swished shut.

The turbolift seemed much slower than usual as it carried him to the captain's quarters a few decks down, and the sound of each footstep as he strode down the corridor seemed to quicken the beating of his heart. Despite his determination to remain calm, he found his anxious mind replaying every occasion on which Kathryn had been in danger, most recently when she had been captured by two aliens and the Doctor had impersonated her as part of their conspiracy. It worried him how long it had taken him to realize it wasn't her. A year or two ago he would have known within minutes.

He was shocked back to the present suddenly, as his body froze and his heart stopped and went cold. His mind took a minute to comprehend that he had heard the worst sound imaginable to him – the sound of Kathryn screaming.

He sprinted the few doors down to her quarters and punched his emergency override into the control pad. He paused for a minute as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, then darted into the bedroom, where he found Kathryn struggling weakly against the sheets, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath. She was having a nightmare, he realized.

He grabbed her flailing hands and was startled to find them ice-cold. "Kathryn," he called. She didn't respond. He tried again louder. "Kathryn! It's me. Wake up, Kathryn, it's just a bad dream." He held her still-struggling hands in one of his and stroked her cheek with his other hand. Despite the red flush in her face, she still felt cold and clammy to him. "Kathryn, you've got to wake up. Kathryn!" He shook her shoulder, and watched in fear as her head lolled back limply. Her lips were moving but no sound was coming out. Her breath was coming in short gasps and Chakotay was afraid she might suffocate, until she took in a huge breath and let out the most terrified, blood-curdling scream he had ever heard. He slammed his hands on his ears in an effort to protect himself, and watched the horror on her face fade away as she slowly went limp.

Panicked, he leapt forward and grabbed her shoulder, trying to shake her awake. As soon as his hand gripped her shoulder, her eyes flew open, but they contained only the empty expression of a terrified animal, acting purely on instinct. She fought against his grip, scratching his arm and trying to move away within the twisted bedsheets. He grabbed her wrists and held them still, trying to keep her from hurting either of them.

"Kathryn. Kathryn, it's me, Chakotay. You're alright; it was just a dream. You're safe now, Kathryn. Safe on Voyager. It was only a dream. Kathryn, look at me. Look at me." Her struggling slowed as her eyes slowly gained focus. He tried to give her a comforting smile, but felt he didn't quite hide the fear that still lingered. "It was only a dream. You're safe."

As her eyes unclouded, she searched his face as though seeking confirmation of what he was saying. He loosed his grip on her wrists and she reached up to touch his face. "Chakotay?" she whispered. His heart broke to hear her sound so small and vulnerable.

"I'm here," he told her. "You'll be alright."

With that, her face crumpled and she pulled herself into his arms, letting out her fear and anguish in rivers of tears running down his chest.

The news soon filtered throughout the ship that the captain wasn't feeling well and would be taking the day off. Everyone was concerned, since the captain taking a break was a very rare occasion indeed. Neelix prepared her a special lunch, but otherwise she preferred to be left alone once Chakotay left after staying nearly an hour that morning.

Kathryn sat on the couch, still clutching her cold cup of coffee, and stared out at the stars, trying to forget the horrendousness of it all. It had seemed so real, having a future version of herself coming back in time to get Voyager home faster and save the crewmembers who would otherwise have died. She should have known something was wrong when the Admiral told her that Chakotay had married Seven. Chakotay didn't even _like_ Seven, and as far as Kathryn was aware Seven didn't have any interest in dating anyone. But while it was happening, she had believed it was true. Her feelings of hurt and betrayal had certainly been real. And all those things that Seven had said… What if they really did come true? What if she had doomed everyone to an even worse fate in the Alpha Quadrant? Could she be sure she was doing what was best for them all? Could she lead her crew home, and would they really be home? Or would they simply be moving from one circle of hell to another?

She began to feel overwhelmed again with so many thoughts and feelings swirling through her head, but she resisted the urge to cry. Starfleet captains do not cry. Kathryn Janeway _will not_ cry. Crying is a sign of weakness and she… is not…

She let her head fall forward onto her raised knees as she sobbed out her heartache, silently adding a sense of shame to her already heavy burden.


	3. Chapter 3

When Chakotay came by to see her later that afternoon, she was the perfect picture of captainly composure, except for the redness of her eyes. He stood in the middle of the room, watching her as she stood gazing out the viewport, ubiquitous coffee mug in hand. When she said nothing for a long minute, he finally spoke in a soft voice.

"You probably don't want to talk yet, so I'll go in a minute. But I know you have a lot to sort through, Kathryn, or you wouldn't be so affected by it. If you won't talk to me, maybe you'll talk to your spirit guide, but you need to talk to someone. Obsessing over it will only make it worse." He saw her turn slightly out of the corner of his eye as he stepped forward to place his medicine bundle on her coffee table. When he looked at her again, it seemed as though she hadn't moved at all. He sighed inwardly. "You know how to find me if you want to," he said finally. He waited for a response but got none, so slowly, disappointedly, he left.

Kathryn watched him leave in the viewport's reflection. She felt bad for making him worried, but in her heart and mind it was only one bad feeling in a chaotic sea of negativity. She couldn't burden him with all of that; it was bad enough that she was suffering it.

She glanced sideways at the coffee table. The medicine bundle was sitting right where he'd left it. On the one hand it might help her to visit her spirit guide. She'd only ever done it twice – once when Chakotay had introduced her to the vision quest, and again some months later when she had borrowed the bundle while he was on duty without him ever being the wiser. Her guide, while annoying with its cryptic way of speaking, might not mind having her vent to it and it might help her clear her mind. On the other hand, dredging up harmful memories had never been her way of dealing with them. Get over it and move forward was usually her battle plan. But was that the best plan? She wasn't sure she had any part of her life together anymore.

But what could be the harm in trying? It couldn't get much worse.

Slowly, she moved towards the coffee table and knelt down beside it. She pulled the bundle closer and began unwrapping its folds with an almost reverent manner. Inside she found exactly what she expected to - a blackbird's wing, a stone from a riverbank, and the akoonah. But there were other things also that she hadn't seen there before. A smooth, coloured stone that she recognized as being from the river on New Earth. A lock of her hair that he must have pocketed on the planet where Seska stranded them. A small copy of the photograph the Doctor had taken on 'Ancestors Eve'. And a tiny piece of Borg implant that she supposed must have been from when they were assimilated trying to protect the drones from 'Unimatrix Zero'. It was like a visual history of Voyager's travels… or a history of their relationship. All of the new items had something to do with her, she realized. Chakotay had told her once that the items in his bundle were ones that had special meaning to him. She supposed she might have been reading too much into it, but she hoped she wasn't.

Suddenly a thought struck her. If she was going on a vision quest to find answers for herself, maybe she should find some items that she might have in a medicine bundle, if she had one. She got up from the floor and went to rummage around the things in her bedroom. The first thing she found was a very old-style commbadge, slightly rusted. It had belonged to her father, recovered when they rescued the shuttle from beneath the ice cap on Tau Ceti Prime where he had died. She kept it as a reminder of him and almost as a good-luck charm, if she had believed in luck of course.

Digging further through her personal items she found a thin case with a pressed and dried peace rose. She still remembered vividly the wonderful evening she had had with Chakotay that day, drinking too much champagne while celebrating being alive on a holographic simulation of Lake George. With the rose she found a small silver pocket watch she had never had occasion to wear. Flipping it over she admired again the inscription on the back – _To Kathryn, Have Faith. Love Chakotay_. She added it to the pile for her medicine bundle. She found also the necklace that Caylem had given her that had belonged to his daughter, and a framed photograph the Doctor had given her of herself and Chakotay at one of Neelix's many parties. Chakotay probably didn't even know it existed, let alone that she kept it in the top of her bedside drawer.

Gathering up the items, she took them out to the coffee table and arranged them carefully beside the medicine bundle, placing her photograph next to Chakotay's and gazing nostalgically at each. She settled on the floor, leaning back against the couch, then laid her hand on the akoonah, feeling its electronic tingles beneath her fingers.

"Akoo-che-moya," she murmured, somewhat surprised that she still remembered the chant. "I am far from home and the bones of my ancestors, but maybe there's a powerful being who will watch over me and give me the answers I seek. Help me come to terms with my dream, and help me to find peace again."

She felt her breathing slow to a calm rhythm and let her eyelids lower softly. Then she opened her mind to find a place where she felt the most content and peaceful.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing she was aware of was the sound of birds chirping and then the whisper of a breeze on her face. She breathed deeply and was surprised she didn't detect the salty tang she had expected from an ocean locale. Opening her eyes, she looked around at the field of green that surrounded her, and at the trees swaying in the wind. This was not the beach she had spent so many happy hours at as a child. This was an even more familiar place. This was New Earth.

Kathryn stood up slowly and scanned the area for her spirit guide. If it was there, it was doing a damn good job of hiding itself. She began to wander through the trees, running her fingers across the rough bark and marvelling at how realistic everything seemed for something that was supposedly a construct of her imagination. But then, she mused bitterly, the mind is capable of conjuring up all sorts of things, isn't it?

She came out of the trees on the edge of the clearing where the grey Starfleet-issue shelter still sat serenely. The small, flat-topped boulder Chakotay had used to carve the headboards on lay to the side. Tall vines laden with ripe Talaxian tomatoes filled her garden bed, bowing under the weight of their fruit. The shelter's door was open, beckoning her to come forward and enter. Walking slowly, taking in her peaceful surroundings with familiar longing as she moved, Kathryn walked through the doorway.

Her guide was there, stretched out in a patch of sunlight in the middle of the table. The little lizard looked up at her and blinked lazily.

"Why am I here?" Kathryn asked when the lizard made no move to speak.

"You came to me," the lizard reminded her.

"I know, but _why here_? Why New Earth?"

"You wanted to come to where you felt the most content and peaceful."

"Yes, but…" It was true, though. New Earth was where she had felt more content and peaceful than she ever had before. It was where she had fallen in love with Chakotay, and where she had looked forward to building a life with him. She had so many memories from this place. Painful memories of what had been lost when Voyager returned for them. "I don't want to be here." She looked back at her guide and found it gone. Typical.

She sighed and glanced around at the inside of the shelter. Everything seemed to be as it had been a few days before Voyager had come back. One of his sand paintings hung on the wall with a half-finished landscape painting propped against the wall below it. She remembered admiring his work, saying it was much better than hers, and how he had encouraged her endlessly to do one of her own to prove she wasn't that bad at it. She had never gotten around to finishing that one. She glanced briefly into her sleeping area and saw everything as she had expected it to be – organized and neat. Her bedroom had always been far neater than her sister's, and she had taken pride in having every area of her life under control. For the most part. Obviously, landing in the Delta Quadrant was an unforeseen mishap.

Chakotay's bedroom, on the other hand, was more like organized chaos. The bed was roughly made and there were clothes strewn across it. A book lay on the nightstand, and she realized it was her copy of _Dante's Inferno_. He hadn't returned it when they had packed to go back to Voyager. She would have to ask him about it sometime. She sat down on the bed and picked up the shirt next to her. The material was soft and it still carried his scent when she breathed deeply into it. She remembered that scent well – indescribable, yet so intrinsically _him_. Every time she was close to him she took comfort in that scent. Knowing he was close had always made her feel safer.

So why had she pushed him away? What was she afraid of? She remembered vividly the look of hurt on his face as she had coldly turned away and pulled her 'captain's mask' over her feelings. She remembered how he had been distant in response during the first few days back on Voyager and how much it had hurt her to be so close, yet so far from him. There were no regulations specifically forbidding her from having a relationship with Chakotay, yet she used protocol as an excuse to keep them apart. She wasn't afraid of loving again. Was she?

She wasn't afraid of loving him. She was afraid of losing him. She had lost others in the line of duty – Justin, her first fiancée, and she had lost her father. She had been separated from her mother and from Mark because of where her Starfleet assignment had landed her. And her dream had shown her how much it would hurt to lose Chakotay, so she had to push him away until they both moved on, and she could get over him.

"You think you're so smart but you still do not see." The little lizard had reappeared at her elbow and was staring at her with squinted eyes.

"Don't see what? Loving him now is already distracting me. If we were to take it further, it would only make things worse."

"Loving him has never brought you pain. Your memories of this place were happy. Here you loved him, and here you felt safe, otherwise you would not have come here now. The unhappiness comes from your pain, the pain caused by leaving love behind and embracing fear."

"I'm not _embracing_ it. I just don't want to take any chances with a relationship."

"Why?"

"Because…" _Because I'm afraid I'll lose him. Because I'm afraid he'll leave me. Because I'm afraid it will compromise my judgement and ability to command. Because I'm afraid finding happiness will distract me from finding a way home. Because I'm afraid I'll lose the respect of the crew if I can't take care of myself by myself._ "Because I'm afraid." She admitted. "Of everything."

The little lizard only nodded wisely, as if it had heard her every thought. "You are afraid of the bad things that _might_ happen, but have you thought about what good will come of it?"

She wouldn't be alone any more. She would have his strength and support even more than she already did. She would be happier and more content. But…

"You said it yourself, Kathryn. Fear exists for one purpose." And with that, the lizard scurried away across the bed and disappeared over the edge. Leaving Kathryn to ponder how best to once again defeat Fear.


	5. Chapter 5

Her hand trembled as she lit the last candle, and she chided herself for her anxiety. This was, after all, only dinner with Chakotay. Everything was exactly as they'd been doing for several years now. The candles were nothing unusual, the soft jazz was not out of the ordinary, and red wine was what she normally served; so what could possibly distinguish this dinner from a romantic date night?

She froze as the full weight of those implications settled into her mind.

The door chime broke into her musings and she hurriedly straightened the table setting one more time before admitting her guest.

"I hope I'm not early," he said.

"No, I'm just waiting on the replicator. Hopefully it hasn't burnt anything this time."

"I can always replicate some peanut butter."

"Oh, I hope that won't be necessary!" she chuckled. She watched Chakotay gaze around the room and spot his medicine bundle on the coffee table, beside the loose satchel in which she had stowed her own items.

"Did you have any luck finding your spirit guide?" he asked, gesturing towards the bundle.

"Yes. Eventually."

"Do you think it helped?"

"I think so," she said softly. "It got me thinking, anyway."

"Any thoughts you'd like to share?"

"Maybe."

The replicator chimed then, and she turned away to retrieve their meal.

"If you don't mind my saying, you seem better now than you did earlier when I came by," Chakotay remarked.

"I've had time to think about things, re-evaluate some of my decisions."

"And what decisions would those be?"

She remained silent as she reached for the wine bottle and slowly poured a generous amount of the red liquid into his glass, and then her own. Grasping her glass with her free hand, she held it up towards him and said, "To… us. To you, for not giving up on me over the years. For always being by my side and shouldering my burdens, like you promised you would."

"To us," he repeated softly. Neither moved to sip the wine. Neither wanted to be the first to look away. "Does this mean," he asked, breaking the heavy silence, "that there is an 'us'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for seven years you've been holding me at arm's length, you've been acting like you want more but pushing me away when I try to offer it. Frankly I don't know where we stand."

"You know we can't have a relationship while-"

"I don't know a damn thing, Kathryn, because you haven't told me anything. You just shut me out, like you do everyone who cares about you."

"I was trying to protect us, Commander. Both of us."

"Protect us from what?"

"What if we got home and Starfleet Command found that we were seeing each other? They'll probably already come down hard on you for being a Maquis, but if they can rely on my judgement to be sound and unbiased I might be able to convince them to drop the charges."

"But that's just it, Kathryn, you're already biased. And what makes you think they'd give you much credence in any case? Out here, you're the final word, but on Earth you'll just be another cog in the Starfleet machine. And quite honestly, I don't mind taking the chance that they won't listen to you if it means I can spend our time until then close to you."

He had moved around the table as he spoke, until he was now standing beside her, close enough to touch. Kathryn stood silently, running her finger along the rim of the wine glass in her hands.

Eventually, she spoke. "I lost you. In my dream. It seemed so real. I lost you to… somebody else, and then you were dead and I couldn't do anything. I kept thinking about the things I had wanted to say to you, all the time we wasted because of me."

The silence filled the air again, until Chakotay asked so quietly that she almost didn't hear him, "What things?"

She looked up at him, searching his face for the courage to say what she had been denying for close to seven years. She hesitated. "I-"

 _*Red Alert. Captain Janeway to the Bridge.*_

Chakotay grimaced. "I always said Tuvok had a bad sense of timing." He turned and began walking briskly towards the door, but stopped when he realized she hadn't moved. "Are you coming?"

"Seven years," she began in a tone he recognized as her 'The-Captain-Is-Pissed' mood. "Seven years I have suffered beside you, battling my own fear of intimacy in turn with my natural womanly urges, and now, now he calls a Red Alert."

Chakotay couldn't help laughing at her indignation, even as he grabbed her hand to encourage her to move. "Well, you can tell me all about these 'womanly urges' later on, but right now Tuvok will be pissed if you don't get to the Bridge." He snatched up her jacket on the way past and she shrugged into it as they hurried to the turbolift.

"Red Alert or no Red Alert, if I don't say something now, I may never get around to it again."

She paused to take a breath, but before she could say anything else, Kathryn suddenly found herself rendered mute as Chakotay pressed his lips firmly against hers in a breath-taking kiss. She heard in her periphery the sound of the turbo-life arriving, but was too focused on clinging tightly to the man before her and pouring seven years of pent-up passion into this one blissful moment.

Far too soon, they broke apart and held each other close as they caught their breath.

"I didn't even tell you what I was going to say," Kathryn laughingly protested.

"I already know," he assured her. They reluctantly separated once the sound of Red Alert Klaxons finally penetrated their minds, and hand-in-hand they stepped into the turbolift, ready to face their next challenge together.


End file.
